| "WE HAVE a communication problem." Often this is | | | | criticizes what he's saying. She must learn to let him |
| the response I hear when I ask a couple why they've | | | | talk without interrupting or critiquing.A communication |
| come for marriage counseling. When I start questioning | | | | problem may also mean that the husband promises to |
| them about what this statement really means, I get a | | | | come home at a certain hour and then doesn't do it. Or |
| variety of responses.One woman blurted out that she | | | | the wife fails to stick to her commitment to keep her |
| is absolutely panicked about their financial future. | | | | belongings picked up. This "communication problem" |
| Everything she reads predicts that she and her | | | | could easily be solved if they would keep to their |
| husband aren't going to have enough for retirement. | | | | agreements. |
| On further questioning I find that she resents her | | | | A communication problem may translate into the |
| husband because he's been in charge of their savings | | | | couple's being unwilling to discuss anything that has the |
| and somehow she thinks he should have saved | | | | potential for conflict. Both may be afraid of anger, so |
| more.But she's not willing to bring up money because | | | | they only talk about surface issues. As a result, neither |
| she doesn't want to cut her spending. She enjoys | | | | feels close or emotionally connected with the |
| buying for her two grandchildren and shopping at craft | | | | other.When some couples say they have a |
| shows. "This is my pleasure," she says. Her husband | | | | communication problem, they mean they can't come to |
| doesn't bring up money because he's aware of his | | | | terms with a particular issue. They lack negotiation |
| wife's resentment. "I'm not getting into that hornet's | | | | skills. For example, he wants to go out with friends on |
| nest," he says. Also, he's planning to retire at age 62 | | | | the weekend and have a good time. She wants to |
| and he doesn't want those plans altered.Feelings about | | | | stay home and have family time with the children. This |
| their financial picture overshadow the marriage, and | | | | couple could negotiate. Friday night is family night. |
| many topics have become taboo. They don't discuss | | | | Saturday night is for the two of them alone or with |
| vacations or retirement plans. They don't talk about | | | | friends. Sunday is negotiable.If you hear yourself or |
| needing a new roof or updating the kitchen. They don't | | | | your mate say, "We have a communication problem," |
| freely show each other purchases they've made or | | | | think about what this means in your relationship. Once |
| discuss gifts they want to give to the children. Her | | | | you define the issue or issues that underlie this |
| resentment over lack of money also affects their sex | | | | statement, you'll be able to tackle the true |
| life.Although this couple say they have a | | | | problem.Doris Wild Helmering is psychotherapist in |
| communication problem, when you break it down, they | | | | private practice in St. Louis. Doris has written eight |
| really have a money problem that they are unwilling to | | | | books that each provide practical advise and proven |
| tackle.For some couples a communication problem | | | | steps to solve communication and relationship |
| really means the man won't talk. He shares little about | | | | problems. Her latest book, Think Thin, Be Thin applies |
| what he thinks or feels. And when she talks, he's only | | | | her successful approach to weight loss. She is a |
| mildly interested. It may be that the man is shy about | | | | frequent radio and TV guest, appearing on the Oprah |
| revealing inner thoughts and simply needs to learn to | | | | Winfrey Show and Good Morning America. Doris has |
| speak out loud on what he's thinking. Or it may be that | | | | published articles in many national magazines and |
| when he does share his thoughts, his wife interrupts or | | | | newspapers. |