| "WE HAVE a communication problem." Often this | | | | learn to let him talk without interrupting or |
| is the response I hear when I ask a couple | | | | critiquing.A communication problem may also |
| why they've come for marriage counseling. | | | | mean that the husband promises to come home |
| When I start questioning them about what this | | | | at a certain hour and then doesn't do it. Or |
| statement really means, I get a variety of | | | | the wife fails to stick to her commitment to |
| responses.One woman blurted out that she is | | | | keep her belongings picked up. This |
| absolutely panicked about their financial | | | | "communication problem" could easily be |
| future. Everything she reads predicts that | | | | solved if they would keep to their |
| she and her husband aren't going to have | | | | agreements. |
| enough for retirement. On further questioning | | | | |
| I find that she resents her husband because | | | | A communication problem may translate into |
| he's been in charge of their savings and | | | | the couple's being unwilling to discuss |
| somehow she thinks he should have saved | | | | anything that has the potential for conflict. |
| more.But she's not willing to bring up money | | | | Both may be afraid of anger, so they only |
| because she doesn't want to cut her spending. | | | | talk about surface issues. As a result, |
| She enjoys buying for her two grandchildren | | | | neither feels close or emotionally connected |
| and shopping at craft shows. "This is my | | | | with the other.When some couples say they |
| pleasure," she says. Her husband doesn't | | | | have a communication problem, they mean they |
| bring up money because he's aware of his | | | | can't come to terms with a particular issue. |
| wife's resentment. "I'm not getting into that | | | | They lack negotiation skills. For example, he |
| hornet's nest," he says. Also, he's planning | | | | wants to go out with friends on the weekend |
| to retire at age 62 and he doesn't want those | | | | and have a good time. She wants to stay home |
| plans altered.Feelings about their financial | | | | and have family time with the children. This |
| picture overshadow the marriage, and many | | | | couple could negotiate. Friday night is |
| topics have become taboo. They don't discuss | | | | family night. Saturday night is for the two |
| vacations or retirement plans. They don't | | | | of them alone or with friends. Sunday is |
| talk about needing a new roof or updating the | | | | negotiable.If you hear yourself or your mate |
| kitchen. They don't freely show each other | | | | say, "We have a communication problem," think |
| purchases they've made or discuss gifts they | | | | about what this means in your relationship. |
| want to give to the children. Her resentment | | | | Once you define the issue or issues that |
| over lack of money also affects their sex | | | | underlie this statement, you'll be able to |
| life.Although this couple say they have a | | | | tackle the true problem.Doris Wild Helmering |
| communication problem, when you break it | | | | is psychotherapist in private practice in St. |
| down, they really have a money problem that | | | | Louis. Doris has written eight books that |
| they are unwilling to tackle.For some couples | | | | each provide practical advise and proven |
| a communication problem really means the man | | | | steps to solve communication and relationship |
| won't talk. He shares little about what he | | | | problems. Her latest book, Think Thin, Be |
| thinks or feels. And when she talks, he's | | | | Thin applies her successful approach to |
| only mildly interested. It may be that the | | | | weight loss. She is a frequent radio and TV |
| man is shy about revealing inner thoughts and | | | | guest, appearing on the Oprah Winfrey Show |
| simply needs to learn to speak out loud on | | | | and Good Morning America. Doris has published |
| what he's thinking. Or it may be that when he | | | | articles in many national magazines and |
| does share his thoughts, his wife interrupts | | | | newspapers. |
| or criticizes what he's saying. She must | | | | |